Like a rite of spring, we're getting our annual off-season crop of NFL assclowns coming into bloom and doing their best to fritter away their careers.

Let's roll the tape!

Former Cincinnati Bengal WR Chris Henry spent an extra night in jail on Thursday because "no one was available to fit him with a court-ordered electronic monitoring device to report his location while under house arrest", per ESPN. Ain't that a bugger? I imagine the device installer dude was too busy taking off Adam "Pacman" Jones' device.

New England Patriot RB Kevin Faulk claims the Mary Jane found in the jacket he was wearing was not his and he did not smoke it. We must have gone to the Bill Clinton School for Excuses for that doozy.

File under "Do you reject Satan and all of his empty promises?": The domestic violence changes against Pittsburgh Steeler LB James Harrison were dropped by his girlfriend Beth Tibbet (or former girlfriend, I'm not sure) on Thursday. Police were summoned to the house after Harrison "broke through her bedroom door, slapped her in the face and snapped her cell phone in half." Over what? About whether to baptize their son. Nothing is so cleansing for the soul and connecting with God like slapping the shit out of your son's mother, eh James? Sure beats quarterbacks.

Of course there's Broncos WR Brandon Marshall who claims to have slipped on a McDonald's bag while wrestling with a family member and put his arm through a glass entertainment center, thus jeopardizing his 2008-9 season. What? Don't believe him? Why not? Come on, McDonald's is some pretty greasy food. I've seen many sprained ankle from stepping on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese box. And those fries boxes are murder on ACLs.

Tennessee Titans RB LenDale White was cited "destruction of property, disobedience to a lawful order/interference and resistance" outside a club that was throwing a party in his honor. That kind of reminds of the old Dorothy Parker quote of "One more drink and I'll be under the host", only slightly revised to: "One more arrest and I'll spooning with the host in an overcrowded county jail."

And of course Bill Jempty tells us about Cleveland Browns CB Kenny Wright who faces misdemeanor charges of unlawful restraint, evading arrest and possession of Mary Jo Wanna. I particularly love that Wright was caught after a "quarter mile foot chase". A quarter mile? Now Browns fans have a legit excuse for their weak pass defense: their DB's can't even outrun cops weighed down by guns, utility belts and bulky shoes.

On the bright side, that's only 6 off-season incidences. But hey, the off-season is young. There's still time to squeeze in a few more drug busts, domestic violence charges and maybe even another sick illegal dog-fighting ring bust!*

Finally, you can pretty much guarantee that each one of these stand-up citizens of the NFL will surely get a tryout with my Raiders at some point in their careers. Yeah, Raiders!

*Personally, I'm looking forward to a good attempted murder or murder charge to really spice things up. It's been a while since we had one. And I think Rae Carruth could really could use some company in prison.