Today I did something I really shouldn't do.

I "borrowed" the USA Today's sports section from the company cafeteria thus depriving some poor co-worker of his/her sports during lunch. And I haven't returned it yet.

But what I read was so preposterously stupid, so boneheaded that it nearly made me choke on my breakfast burrito, I just had to share.

First, the Dumberer part. It belongs to Rep. Betty McCollum, D-Minn. during yesterday's House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearing on Major League Baseball's Mitchell Report. Here's what the sage representative said:

"Fixed games played by drug users that illegitimately altered the outcome of the games. It's my opinion we're here in the middle of a criminal conspiracy that defrauded millions of baseball fans of billions of dollars."

"Fixed games played by drug users?" My goodness, it's worse than any of us ever imagined. Not only are the players doping, they're fixing games, too.

I get visions of players sitting around their lockers shooting up Winstrol and HGH before facing Johan Santana. And there's the bat boy, sneaking into the clubhouse with some fresh syringes. Meanwhile, the manager and general manager are turning a blind eye to it all as they call and place their bets with their Vegas bookies. Because that's exactly what players do, Ms. McCollum, shoot up like back-alley junkies before a big game or series and, presto!, Instant Win!

Pete Rose must be ashamed for not thinking of this scam himself.

And just when you're about say "Good luck proving that one in a court of law, Betty," along comes the Dumberer(er) part.

University of Southern California law professor Gillian Hadfield responded to USA Today as an "expert" by saying, "Sure, you make a contract claim since what they promised was different from what they delivered. It may be too little money worth pursing, and it can become tricky."

Funny but the last time I looked at the back of a Seattle Mariners ticket stub it didn't read, "Bearer is entitled to one baseball game free of PEDs. Should you suspect anything, like a Yunnesky Betancourt home run going more than 6 rows into the stands, or Horacio Ramirez actually getting a batter out (an event you should actually report to the Vatican), go ahead and sue us and MLB, OK? In the meantime, enjoy your $8 beer and garlic fries."

Ridiculous.

But the money shot is Hadfield's last sentence, which could easily read: "Oh sure, it may be "tricky", and the case won't go anywhere and be tied up in the lower courts for years, but we won't let that stop us. And even though you the fan won't see a nickel of any incredibly unlikely settlement, we'll fight for you because we the $300-an-hour lawyers need to maintain the upkeep our yachts and Ferraris. The wax jobs alone prevent us from having box seats behind home plate."

If there's anything more dumb than players taking PEDs, it's some of the people "investigating" the whole thing in the first place.