MLB Power Rankings

Power rankings are kind of like bikini models at car shows. They serve no real purpose, but sure are fun to look at.
Onto the list:

#1 – Anaheim Angels
A couple of years ago the brilliant minds at Disney decided that cross-promotion was the next big thing and changed the name of the California Angels to the Anaheim Angels, which helped promote both Disneyland and the NHL’s Mighty Ducks. (This is also why you see George Lopez guest-starring on NYPD Blue as a Mexican comedian who witnesses a murder.)
Good move Disney. Changing your location name from California to Anaheim is like a guy named Pierce changing his name to Lester.

#2 – Boston Red Sox
Give me the Sox and Angels in a seven-game series and I’ll take the Sox. But for the purposes of this little exercise, the Angels and their 29-15 record have to be at the top of the list.

#3 – Chicago Cubs
Kerry Wood is slowly turning into Grant Hill right before our eyes.

#4 – New York Yankees
You know you’re hurtin' when a 1-5 day at the plate actually raises your batting average, as it did for Derek Jeter yesterday. And by the way, with the signing of Tanyon Sturtze, the Yanks might want to start printing up World Series tickets. Tanyon Sturtze? Are the Yanks serious? It’s almost like Steinbrenner isn’t trying anymore.

#5 – Houston Astros
Can we please stop with all the stories about Roger Clemens coming back from retirement to pitch for the Astros. It’s fine to write about how amazing it is that a 41-year old power pitcher is dominating the National League, but one thing needs to be straightened out.
Roger Clemens never retired. He just said he was going to retire. There’s a big difference.
And how dumb must those fans in Miami feel after giving Clemens a standing ovation during the World Series last year. Has there ever been anything so ridiculous? You don’t give a standing ovation to an opposing pitcher in a World Series under any circumstance, unless he saves a baby from a fire while beating up Osama Bin Laden all while pitching a perfect game.
Where was I? Oh yeah, get off Clemens’ jock.

#6 – Philadelphia Phillies
Eagles lose in NFC Championship Game. Flyers lose in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals. If things progress as I think they will, look for the Phillies to sign Mitch Williams in late-September.

#7 – Chicago White Sox
Does anybody outside the south side of Chicago care about the White Sox? They’re like the Golden State Warriors of baseball.

#8 – Minnesota Twins
The Twins sport a 25-18 record yet have been outscored by opponents 217-227. According to Bill James’ Pythagorean equation, the Twins should have a 21-21 record. What does this all mean? I don’t know, except that it took me about 5 minutes to spell a word that resembled “Pythagorean” enough for the Word spell-check to pick it up.

#9 – San Diego Padres
The official team of Chris’s Sports Blog keeps rolling and ends the week in a tie with the Dodgers atop the NL West. One can’t help but wonder if Scott Spencer has anything to do with this.

#10 – Florida Marlins
Even after winning the World Series last year, the Marlins rank 20th in the majors in home attendance. Still glad you chose Miami and Tampa over D.C. Bud Selig?

#11 – Texas Rangers
If the Rangers were Genesis then A. Rod would be Peter Gabriel and Michael Young would be Phil Collins. And Brad Fullmer would, of course, be Mike Rutherford.

#12 – Los Angeles Dodgers
The MLB Extra Innings package would be worth it just to listen to Vin Scully call a baseball game. When I was in L.A. a few years ago I listened to a radio broadcast of a Lakers playoff game announced by Chick Hearn then heard Scully call a Dodgers game right after that. No wonder Randy Newman loved L.A.

#13 – Oakland A’s
Fans in Oakland still haven’t forgotten about Eric Byrnes failure to touch home plate in Game 4 of the A’s-Sox series last year. In fact, every time he comes to the plate at home he is showered with boos from the entire crowd. Except for one guy in section 423 who is saying “Booooooooo-yrns”.

#14 – Cincinnati Reds
I’m beginning to wonder if Cincinnati really exists. Think about it. Have you ever met anybody from Cincinnati? Neither have I…

#15 – St. Louis Cardinals
I don’t know what surprised me more. That Ray Lankford was still on the Cardinals or that Ray Lankford still exists.

#16 – New York Mets
Do you think Rudy Giuliani would have gone to all the Mets games and worn Mets hats and Mets jackets had it been the Mets that were the dominant New York team during his terms as mayor? I bet he would have. And for some reason, that really pisses me off.

#17 – Milwaukee Brewers
I bet the Brewers were a bit miffed when Squiggy signed on to be a scout with the Mariners.

#18 – Baltimore Orioles
In the 10 years that Camden Yards has been open nobody has hit the warehouse with a homerun. However, things might change this season when the San Francisco Giants roll into Baltimore for a three-game series. Yup… I think Yorvit Torrealba just might do it.

#19 – Detroit Tigers
Detroit really should think about hiring that tiger that mauled Roy as their new mascot. It’s not like he’s doing anything these days.

#20 – San Francisco Giants
Say it with me now: Yorvit Torrealbla. yor-VEET tor-EE-all-buh. I dare you to say that out-loud and not have a smile creep up on your face.

#21 – Pittsburgh Pirates
News reports said that Raul Mondesi left the Pirates because he had to tend to family matters. But I think I know the real reason: scurvy.

#22 – Cleveland Indians
Imagine if Yorvit Torrealbla got scurvy. That’d be comedy gold.

#23 – Colorado Rockies
Despite playing in the thin-air of Colorado, Denny Hocking has zero homeruns in over 100 at-bats. I guess Hocking’s only hope of going yard is if the Rockies build a new stadium on Mir.

#24 – Atlanta Braves
With the Braves dynasty dying a slow death, those fair-weather fans in Atlanta will have to wait for Michael Vick’s next injury before they have another bandwagon to jump off of.

#25 – Arizona Diamondbacks
I wonder if Richie Sexson and Randy Johnson share clothes.

#26 – Toronto Blue Jays
Carlos Delgado is batting an anemic .230 for the season. But even with this horrific start to the season, the Blue Jays slugger is still batting a cool 40 points better than Derek Jeter.

#27 – Seattle Mariners
Who would have thought Edgar Martinez would last longer in Seattle than Frasier.

#28 – Tampa Bay Devil Rays
I have July 8th in the “Lou Pinella’s Head Explodes” pool.

#29 – Montreal Expos
Yes, the Expos are the worst team in baseball. But I refuse to put a team that has played only eight games in their home city at the bottom of this list.

#30 – Kansas City Royals
Just like the Chiefs, the Royals have no defense. Unlike the Chiefs, however, the Royals also have no offense.