Say what you will about Eli Manning, and don’t worry, I will. But you have to admit, the NFL Draft is going to be a lot more fun this year with all the drama that Eli and his Poppa have created in the past 48 hours. In the past few drafts the top two or three picks have been set for weeks in advance and most of the only drama was where players like Willis McGahee would be selected.
But now with Manning doing his best John Elway impression, this stands to be the wildest draft day in recent memory. Seriously, can’t you see Paul Tagliabue stepping to the podium at 12:15 tomorrow, announcing that the Chargers are going to take Eli Manning with the first pick, and then Archie runs up and cold-cocks Tags in the back of the head, steals the card with Eli’s name on it, yells “sic semper tyrannis!” and then sprints to the Meadowlands and chains himself to the goalposts until the Chargers agree to a trade with the Giants? No? Well it could.
Onto the mock draft.

1. New York Giants, from San Diego Chargers
Eli Manning, QB, Mississippi
In case you haven’t heard the story, Elisha Manning, son of Archie and brother of Peyton, reportedly has let the Chargers know that he does not want to be drafted by the team. He has done this through his agent and through his Daddy, who flew to San Diego and told the Chargers on three separate occasions that Eli would not play for them.
Now hold up here son. Did I miss something? Since when did the NFL Draft turn into the Senior prom? Eli likes another girl better, so he’s going to say no to the first ugly chick that asks him? No. It’s not like that Eli. A player can’t tell a team he doesn’t want to be drafted. That’s why it’s a draft. They draft YOU, not the other way around, fool. By the way, his name is seriously Elisha. Maybe that’s where he gets his womanly tendencies from.
According to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, Manning doesn’t want to play for the Chargers because he doesn’t think they have a commitment to winning. Meaning, Eli doesn’t think the Chargers can win soon. But this is the NFL. Everybody can win soon. The Carolina Panthers were 1-15 a mere 24 months before they almost won the Super Bowl. The Rams had a similar turnaround a few years back. Even the Bengels were contending for the playoffs last year. The Chargers, with LaDanian Tomlinson and an improving defense could easily patch together a few wins this year, particularly in an increasingly vulnerable AFC West.
And what’s Manning complaining about anyway? He should just be thrilled he’s even being considered as the #1 pick. If his name were Eli Jenkins he’d be watching draft day from his momma’s couch hoping that he was taken before Saturday night rolled around.
I hope the Chargers choose Manning out of spite, a la Seinfeld trying to return that sport coat to the snooty, pony-tailed salesman that was dating Elaine.
As it is, I think the Bolts will blink and trade the pick to the Giants, giving Manning his way, something I’m sure he’s become accustomed to in his life.
I will take much delight the first time the New York Post runs a back-page headline like “E-li, E-li, Oh… No!” Alright, there’s will be more clever, but I thought a Laura Nyro reference would be over your heads.
By the way, Philip Rivers is better.

2. Oakland Raiders
Robert Gallery, T, Iowa
Can’t-miss quarterbacks and running backs come around all the time, and many times they do miss… badly. Can’t-miss tackles are rare and they usually always live up to the hype. Tony Boselli, Jonathan Ogden, Orlando Pace, Chris Samuels and Leonard Davis have all played at All-Pro levels throughout their career after being selected in the Top 5 of the Draft. Gallery is going to be a special player in the NFL and should be the cornerstone of Oakland’s line for the next 15 years.
Of course, this is Oakland and Al Davis has been known to do some crazy things in the draft (Sebastian Janikowski at 18).

3. Arizona Cardinals
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Pittsburgh
Fitzgerald going to the Cards is the nearest thing to a lock in this year’s draft. Denny Green has been enamored with Fitzgerald since the early ‘90s when Fitzgerald was a ballboy with the Vikings. Green will hope to build a team around Fitzgerald and quarterback Josh McCown.

4. San Diego Chargers, from New York Giants
Philip Rivers, QB, NC State
Mark it down. Philip Rivers will have the best career of any quarterback taken in the first round of this years draft. The Chargers could try to trade further down to get Rivers, but with the bounty of picks the Giants would have to give up to move to #1, the Chargers should snag Rivers (who could also go to the Browns, Steelers or Bills) when they have a chance.

5. New England Patriots, from Washington Redskins
Sean Taylor, S, Miami
For weeks the question in D.C. has been, “which Miami player is Joe Gibbs going to take.” I have flip-flopped with this question. First I thought there was no way Gibbs would take Winslow. The new, old ballcoach has been burned before by overhyped faux-receivers (Desmond Howard) and wouldn’t want the attitude that Winslow would bring to the team.
Then I changed my mind and thought Gibbs wouldn’t use a high draft-pick on a position like safety, so I was in the Winslow camp.
Now I’m convinced that Gibbs doesn’t want either of them. I say this even though Winslow has apparently told the Lions that Gibbs promised him the Skins would take him if he was available. And, I also am defying every mock draft out there that seems to suggest the Redskins will take Sean Taylor.
But according to The Post’s Mark Maske, the Skins are looking into a three-way trade with the Dolphins and the Patriots that would give the Skins the 20th and 21st pick in the 1st round (while the Pats move up to 5 and the Dolphins slide to 32). This makes sense for the Redskins, as they have numerous holes to fill on the defensive line and in the secondary. And with only two more selections in the rest of the draft, Washington could easily be convinced to take two mid-rounders.
If they do stay at #5, Gibbs will probably go with Winslow.
Belicheck could shuffle around his secondary if he gets Taylor, and maybe get rid off nuisance Ty Law in the process.

6. Detroit Lions
Kellen Winslow Jr., TE, Miami
With Winslow attracting attention inside, Steve Mariucci is probably getting very excited over what kind of numbers a healthy Charlie Rogers could put up.

7. Cleveland Browns
Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Miami (Ohio)
Why should Miami of Ohio be the school that has to put the state where it’s located in parenthesis. Who decided that one?
Anyway, Butch Davis really want Robert Gallery and could trade up to #2, but the Browns need a quarterback and Roethlisberger is the second best QB in the draft.

8. Atlanta Falcons
Roy Williams, WR, Texas
Dammit. Do I really have Roy Williams going this low? This mock draft stuff is hard.
Drafting a marquee receiver like Williams and plugging him in with Peerless Price will allow Price to regain the greatness he showed in Buffalo and give Michael Vick another target to heave the ball 75-yards at.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars
Kenechi Udeze, DE, USC
Kenechi, Uma. Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Kenechi. Kenechi, Frank Stallone.

10. Houston Texans
Tommie Harris, DT, Oklahoma
Why? Because Dr. Z said so.

11. Pittsburgh Steelers
DeAngelo Hall, CB, Virginia Tech
Steelers really want Manning, Roethlisberger or Rivers but won’t get any of them at #11. So, they go for the old best-player-on-the-board theory and get Hall.

12. New York Jets
Dunta Robinson, CB, South Carolina
Jets need some help at linebacker, but neither Vilma or Williams are projected to go this high. I think that’s stupid. Pick what you need when it’s your turn.

13. Buffalo Bills
Will Smith, DE, Ohio State
Look for the Bills to pick D.J. Jazzy Jeff in the 4th.

14. Chicago Bears
Vince Wilfork, DT, Miami
Me: Yo, who are the Bears gonna take?
Nick; friend, Bears fan: I don’t know.
Me: What are the papers saying. I’m trying to get one of these picks right or else people will think I’m a moron.
Nick: They already think that.
Me: Well I don’t need to confirm their suspicions.
Nick: Good point.
Me: So, who are they going to take?
Nick: I’ll say Wilfork. He’s who I want them to take, so let’s go with him.
Me: Excellent. Thanks.
Nick: No problem. I’m going to go bowling naked… the fun way.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jonathan Vilma, LB, Miami
Were the Buccaneers really the 15th worst team in the NFL last year? That’s still kind of surprising.

16. San Francisco 49ers
Reggie Williams, WR, Washington
Roy Williams and Reggie Williams will be two of the top 16 picks. Thank goodness the Supreme Court didn’t let Mike Williams in the draft or Chris Berman’s head would have exploded. The Niners need a receiver… badly.

17. Denver Broncos
Steven Jackson, RB, Oregon
In the past two years the first running backs in the draft were taken with the 16th pick (Willie Green in 2002) and 23rd pick (Willis McGahee in 2003). I don’t know if that’s a record, but it should be.

18. New Orleans Saints
D.J. Williams, LB, Miami
If Williams goes this high, six of the first 18 picks will be players from schools with Miami in their name.

19. Minnesota Vikings
Karlos Dansby, LB, Auburn
Vikes need a linebacker, but could be convinced to go with a wideout if Reggie Williams is still around.

20. Washington Redskins
Marcus Tubbs, DT, Texas
If the Redskins were the Bullets they would have selected Randy Starks from Maryland (seriously, who wants to bet that Abe Pollin takes Jamar Smith in the 2nd round of the NBA Draft). But, they are not, and the Skins need to fill in their defensive line. Philip Daniels, notwithstanding.

21. Washington Redskins
Ben Troupe, TE, Florida
This guy is 6’5, 262 and is supposed to be a good blocker, which is key in a Joe Gibbs offense. With the signing of Michael Barrow today the Skins don’t need a linebacker, but that hasn’t stopped Daniel Snyder in the past.

22. Dallas Cowboys
Shawn Andrews, T, Arkansas
Just so you know, I have zero basis for predicting all the remaining picks. I’d like to tell you that by watching Arkansas play last year I know Shawn Andrews has superb footwork. But in actuality, I think I heard Mel Kiper talk about it about two weeks ago when I was flipping channels between the 7 a.m. Sportscenter and an infomercial for that egg de-shelling thing.

23. Seattle Seahawks
Randy Starks, DT, Maryland
The last time a Terp was picked in the first round was in 1997 when the Steelers took Chad Scott. Just thought I’d let you know.

24. Cincinnati Bengels
Antwan Odom, DT, Alabama
They should pick Chris Perry out of Michigan. But they are, after all, the Bengels.

25. Green Bay Packers
Ben Watson, TE, Georgia
I guess this means I won’t be picking Bubba Franks for the 4th consecutive year in my fantasy draft. That’s good, because for the fourth consecutive year I won’t be asking myself in mid-October, why do I keep picking Bubba Franks in my fantasy draft?

26. St. Louis Rams
J.P. Losman, QB, Tulane
After losing to Bill on The Apprentice last week, the Rams front-office toyed with the idea of hiring Kwame. But when he suggested taking Omarosa with the 26th pick, Mike Martz quickly canned him in favor of a mirror.

27. Tennessee Titans
Maurice Clarett, RB, Ohio State
Whoops. I’m glad Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg was called upon to decide the important question of Maurice Clarett’s draft eligibility. After Clarett, next up on the docket was Taste Great v. Less Filling.
Anyway, lets say the Titans are going to take…. Jake Grove, C, Virginia Tech

28. Philadelphia Eagles
Will Poole, CB, USC
Scrimmaging against Donovan McNabb during the week should give Poole plenty of practice on the art of the interception.

29. Indianapolis Colts
Darnell Dockett, DT, Florida State
Paint Branch holla!

30. Kansas City Chiefs
Igor Olshansky, DT, Oregon
They say Olshansky might be the strongest player in the draft. I don’t know who “they” are exactly, but they very well could be the same people who are responsible for changing the taste of Trix. Those ruthless SOB’s.

31. Carolina Panthers
Rashaun Woods, WR, Oklahoma State
After LaFitz (Larry Fitzgerald is in desperate need of a nickname. Larry ain’t gonna cut it.) Woods is the best receiver in the draft. He is the quintessential “let’s ignore his on-field performance” player in this year’s draft. He had 184 catches, 3062 yards and 32 touchdowns in his final two seasons at OSU and played his best in big games (unlike Eli Manning). He also runs a beautiful fade and can out-jump anybody. It’s a wonder guys like this get picked behind “upside” players, but its also a wonder that Craig Kilborn still has a show.

32. Miami Dolphins
Michael Clayton, WR, LSU
A solid receiver… too bad A.J. Feely will be throwing him the ball.